Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i barfeds in our rink
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Rumble strips road head = magical
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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