**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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