I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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