Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize