She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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