At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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