i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
