Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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