your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
