the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
