my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize