You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
