I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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