my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
