John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
