I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
