Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
