I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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