I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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