I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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