why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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