Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
