Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
