You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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