I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
