dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
