I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
