The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
