There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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