And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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