You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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