Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
don't judge my taste in strippers
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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