Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
