last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
