I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
