Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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