Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
