True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
