Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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