I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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