I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
