i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
