seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
