he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There's always time for handjobs
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
