I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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