I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
