The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
