we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
