It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
