I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
