me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
