Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
