Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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