Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
