If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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