"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
