PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
