Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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