Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
