why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
