Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This baby is an asshole
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
