Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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