My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
