So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
home. puking in laundry basket.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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